Chapter 574: Saiga-Style Self-Defense "Bone Extractor"

Author's Preface

It hot very outside. [*1]

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The black liquid dripping down my face pooled at my chin; it was awfully cold. It seemed I had just been drenched in coffee from the top of my head. The can that struck the crown of my head let out a surprisingly crisp, satisfying *clink* sound as it bounced off.

"............"

"What are you trying to act tough for? Think you're some kinda hero? Huh?"

I see, I see, I see, I see... Ah, so that's how it is.

I mean, sure, I might have been slightly at fault too. No matter how much of a pickup artist he was, my attitude was definitely not how you should treat someone you just met, and pulling out a trash game dialogue tree in real life probably isn't something to be proud of, even for a Kusoge maniac. Well, it's a balancing act, so maybe I should consult Takeda-shi about the exact etiquette later? Regardless, perhaps because my head was suddenly so cool, I felt shockingly calm—so calm, so calm, so cool. Can you absorb caffeine through your skin? He poured it right on my head, so it definitely reached my brain fast, but did it penetrate my skull? Wait, no, calm down... compared to getting spawn-camped or getting teabagged while someone unloads a full magazine into your corpse, this is incredibly mild... though the coffee itself is freezing cold hahahahahahahaha!

"Do you know what this is?"

"Hah?"

It's the index and middle fingers I'm about to use to gouge your eyes out. No, wait, that's wrong.

"It's a peace sign. Unlike you, who can't keep his little hands to himself, I'm a pacifist, you see? I can just laugh it off and forgive you. Just laugh and forgive..."

My head was starting to boil, but I was completely used to this feeling. It's just getting splashed with a little coffee... Ah man, my clothes are gonna be covered in stains... If I only snap a little bit... No, no, no! I can just exact Divine Punishment on him later to blow off some steam.

"Are you satisfied, chimpanzee? If so, hurry up and go back to the zoo. This is public transportation for humans; it's no place for a brainless chimp that escaped its enclosure. Hell, I'll even buy you a banana as a souvenir."

"Y-You little...!"

You wanna go, punk?! I'll rip your hair out to give you a cropped cut, and make the sound of civilization ring out from your hollow skull! [*2] But unfortunately for you, even though my face feels like it's on fire right now, my little stunt gathered a ton of attention, and a station attendant is already heading this way. A true pacifist doesn't use their fists; they bludgeon their opponents with the law. Which means the Six Codes of Japanese Law is a weapon.

Forcing the wrinkles forming between my eyebrows to vanish behind a strained smile, I spoke to the pickup artist in a provocative tone to soothe my own boiling emotions, which were threatening to spill over the edge of reason's pot. I'm fully prepared to take a punch or two right now. After all, with my invisible Six Codes equipped, my Attack Power is off the charts.

"Hey, hey, your face is beet red. I thought monkeys only got red on their asses? Why don't you strip off your dirty briefs? I'll check the color of your ass while I call the cops."

"I'll crush yo—"

The fist was drawn back. I had already resolved myself to take the hit right on the cheek. However, the situation was brought to a forceful end by the person standing right next to me.

"──This is self-defense."

"Bogyaga!?"

A grotesque sound that could only be described as Gogyogyo!! echoed out. The movement was so absurdly optimized that my brain couldn't even process the fact that Rei-san had slipped behind the pickup artist.

Rei-san had grabbed the pickup artist's raised fist and twisted it, placed her other hand on his shoulder, and twisted his arm in a thoroughly dangerous direction... wait, did his arm just stretch? It certainly looked that way, and judging by the results, my eyes weren't deceiving me...

"I-It's broken! My bones are broken!!"

"Calling it 'broken' is quite an exaggeration."

With an icy tone completely unimaginable from her usual self, Rei-san cast a sharp glare—reminiscent of her two older sisters—down at the pickup artist as he writhed on the floor clutching his right arm. Well, I've never actually seen the real face of the hardcore gamer Saiga sister, but since Full-Dive avatars usually share the same core personality even if their faces are different, the overall impression doesn't change much... The most extreme example of this being Akitsu Akane.

"I merely dislocated your joints. I am currently incredibly calm... Should I dislocate your left arm as well, just to be safe?"

"Hih!"

"Ah... that's enough, Rei-san. Time's up."

Watching the pickup artist's shoulder, elbow, and wrist dangle hilariously loose, my own anger had completely dissipated somewhere along the line. Also, noticing the dislocated man writhing on the ground, the station attendants broke into a sprint toward us.

"Good for you. Looks like you'll be spending a passionate night with the cops."

"Y-You little..."

"Alright, calm down now. Can we get you to come over here and tell us what happened?"

"Idadadada! It's broken! Don't touch me!!"

I clearly heard Rei-san quietly mutter, "I told you it isn't broken..." but honestly, having three joints dislocated simultaneously probably hurts like hell... Oh well. However, since we were also involved in the incident, a different station attendant from the one restraining the pickup artist approached us.

"Ah, could we get a statement from you two as well, just in case?"

"Eh? We don't mind, but if possible, we'd appreciate doing it somewhere far away from that. Also, our maglev is going to arrive soon..."

"Right, understood. We just need you to write down your names and a brief summary, so we'll wrap it up quickly. Please, step right this way."

We're okay, right? This isn't going to affect our high school records, right...?

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Ten minutes later.

"Ah, hello? Yeah, I figure you probably got a call from the cops, but I got tangled up with some annoying creep. Eh? No, I didn't hit him or anything. He did pour coffee over my head, but I got a settlement... or rather, dry-cleaning money out of it, so... Huh? You're passing the phone to Rumi? Eh, what? 'Wash the stain out immediately'? I mean, you say 'wash it' but... Hah? Go to a public bathhouse? Eh, do modern bathhouses have coin laundries built into them now...?!"

"...Yes, yes. I did use a minor form of self-defense, but... Ah, no, sister, it wasn't the Shattering Agony, it was the Bone Extractor... Yes, and so, um, I'll be a little late, so I just wanted to call and... Eh? I can stay over? No, um, I have school tomorrow so... Eh, a love-hote—!!? Sister! I am not staying at a love hotel or a capsule hotel!!!"

It seemed we hung up our phones at the exact same time. Standing back-to-back, having just spoken to entirely different people, our eyes met.

"Um, well, you see..."

"Ah, Rei-san. I kinda got threatened by my little s—by my family, so I have to take a slight detour..."

"Ah, no! Ultimately, it was, um, my fault for getting caught up with him... And because I lashed out like that, it turned into such a huge mess..."

"Hmm, honestly, I'm actually a bit thankful for that... Well, I can't say it too loudly, but watching you do that was incredibly satisfying. So, thank you, I guess...?"

"No, um, well... I should be the one thanking you, for stepping in between us..."

Silence hung between us. If we kept this up, we'd be stuck in an infinite loop of apologies and gratitude, so I decided to force the conversation forward.

"Right, so, to get back on track, I've basically been ordered to go do my laundry at a public bathhouse right now... so Rei-san, you can go ahead and head home first..."

"Eh, ah, um, well... I, I'd like to go too! May I, um, accompany you?!"

"Eh?"

Wait, hasn't the flow of this conversation turned in a very bizarre direction?

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Author's Afterword

An unexpected extra turn!

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Translator's Notes

• [1] Atsu ga natsui: A classic Spoonerism joke flipping the words in "Natsu ga atsui" (Summer is hot)
• [2] Rakuro is quoting an 1871 Japanese ditty: "Tap a topknot, and you hear the sound of the conservative past... Tap a cropped head, and you hear the sound of Civilization and Enlightenment."