Chapter 575: Ironmen are not made of iron; subject them to heat and cold, and their constitution crumbles.
Author's Preface
By drawing Zeus, I've acquired all the Primal Summons. This is practically the same as getting all the Ride Watches, so starting today, please call me Grand Katarina. [*1]
Led by some incomprehensible flow of events and relying on a map app, Rei-san and I headed to a place called "Hyper Public Bath 'Ukishima'." By the way, despite the "Hyper" in the name, it's categorically just a super public bathhouse.
Back when the super public bathhouse industry was facing a decline, multiple companies teamed up and solved it through the absolute brute-force method of "bludgeoning those accustomed to modern bathrooms from above with sheer technological superiority." As a result, this place features not only public baths but also restaurants, coin laundries, arcades, movie theaters, futsal courts... wait, isn't this lacking all sense of restraint?
Be that as it may, I tossed my clothes into a state-of-the-art washing machine that executed everything from cutting-edge stain removal to ironing all in a single unit—something you'd rarely see even at a mass electronics retailer—then briskly entered the bathing area, washed myself, and submerged my warmed body into the cold bath right up to the top of my head...
"Gubobababababababa!!!!"
I fucked up! I fucked up! I fucked up!
What the hell am I doing?! What the hell am I doing in real life?! Looking back on it, I'm so embarrassed it feels like a blood vessel in my head is going to snap! I just dropped a cringy taunt in front of a public crowd that I wouldn't even use in a game!!?
And! Of all things! Right in front of Rei-san!! This is bad! I totally screwed up in front of someone I'm in the same group with both in-game and in real life?! If Rei-san's mouth slips by even a single millimeter, my social standing will plummet to the level of a microorganism!!
"Bibobobubobabahh!!!"
※Mitochondria are not microorganisms.
In an attempt to somehow manage this emotional explosion that felt like a sea urchin bouncing around like a superball inside my stomach, I opened the door to the sauna...
◇
A public bathhouse was a rather fresh experience for Rei, who had a cypress bath at home, and though she had followed Rakuro here purely on momentum, they were naturally separated by gender. After cleansing her body, she submerged herself in the cold bath to cool her hazy head...
"Byababababababababa!!!!"
Her emotions, which refused to drop below the critical point even after being cooled down, caused a massive explosion inside the cold water bath.
I messed up! I messed up! I messed up!
Using a rather gray-zone technique among self-defense arts in front of a public crowd without hesitation! Without mercy! It was true that blood had rushed to my head when Rakuro, who came to protect me, was splashed with coffee, but even accounting for that, it was far too thoughtless.
And, of all things, showing such a disgraceful display right in front of Rakuro! He definitely thinks I'm a dangerous, violent woman! Were the tears melting and disappearing into the cold bath out of sadness, or anger...? My survival instincts forced me to the surface against the urge to just stay glued to the bottom of the cold bath forever.
"Bobababobobaba...!!"
In an attempt to somehow suppress these uncontrollable emotions that felt like a bed of flower-arranging spikes had dropped into her stomach, Rei opened the door to the sauna...
……
…………
………………
And so, one hour passed.
"Ugh, my head hurts..."
You really shouldn't do multiple round trips between just the sauna and the cold bath... but at least the sea urchin in my stomach had calmed down to the level of a fish bone stuck in my throat, and considering the absurd amount of money I paid for a coin laundry, my clothes were perfectly crisp.
"Wait, it's been an hour... crap."
I definitely kept Rei-san waiting; I can't exactly just pass this off with a simple 'sorry I'm late'... I wonder if she'll forgive me with some coffee milk.
Coffee milk drank on someone else's dime must taste exceptionally sweet. Pinching the milk bottles between two fingers, I ducked under the curtain of the men's bath and stepped out into the entranceway. Now then, where is Rei-san...
" "............Ah." "
And just as I casually glanced to the side, my eyes locked with Rei-san, who had ducked under the women's bath curtain and stepped out at the exact same timing... and then my gaze dropped to the fruit milk she was holding, one in each hand.
"......Pfft."
"......Fufu."
Both of us took a long bath, both of us bought apology milk, and yet, miraculously, only the milk flavors didn't overlap. At that sheer coincidence, Rei-san and I burst out laughing at the same time.
"Kukukuku... Rei-san, since we've both got two, want to trade one?"
"Yes, let's. Since we have them."
I had planned on heading home quickly, but there was no need to force ourselves to chug down two bottles right this second. Laughing together as we swapped a coffee milk for a fruit milk, we forgot every last fragment of the disaster from earlier and started walking off to enjoy this multi-purpose complex that was a super bathhouse in name only...
"Since we're here, wanna grab dinner here too?"
"That sounds, good."
"Whoa, there's a pointlessly huge repertoire here... What are you gonna get, Rei-san?"
"I'll... um, what are you getting, Rakuro-kun?"
"...This is just an infinite loop, isn't it."
"The punching machine is spitting out an error..."
"I-It's just an equipment malfunction, right?! It's not like... I broke it... right?"
"I'll plead the fifth on that one."
"I-I kinda feel pretty exhausted from playing around so much..."
"Y-Yeah, me too..."
"The maglev... wait, isn't it arriving right about now?"
"I-If we don't run, the next one isn't for another thirty minutes, is it?!"
Despite it being an unexpected visit, having fully enjoyed "Ukishima", we managed to make it back to our local station after a bit of a dash. We could have just walked home from here, but neither of us could stomach the thought of running into another guy like that, so we had headed to the taxi stand instead of walking.
"It's already night, and since we literally just got tangled up with a weirdo, using a taxi is probably the better move, right?"
"Y-Yes... I agree."
Rei-san had been standing frozen for some reason in front of the taxi with its door open and ready to receive passengers, but as if making up her mind, she turned toward me—who was planning to just walk the rest of the way—and made a proposal.
"Um, if it's alright with you, would you... um, care to join me...? No! I mean, we're heading in the same direction halfway anyway, and even if you get off there, it'll still save me some distance, or rather, um, uh."
"Ah... you sure? Um, Mr. Driver, is it possible for just me to get off first? I'll pay the fare, obviously... Ah, okay? Well then, mind if I take you up on that offer?"
Feeling grateful for her goodwill, I prompted Rei-san to get in first like a gentleman... fah.
"Y-Yes... hek-shoo!"
"Are you oka—ek-shoo!!"
" "............" "
What is this chill? The fun day ends here, and the true identity of this chill assaulting my spine, carrying the premonition of a turbulent tomorrow, is...
……
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◆ The Next Day
"It's a cold. Without a doubt."
"Zeriouzly?"
"Well, obviously. If you exercise after doing round trips between a sauna and a cold bath in this season, that's exactly what's gonna happen. I'll go buy you some cold medicine after I check on Niji-chan, so just rest quietly."
"Your son's cold comes second to a Rainbow Stag Beetle, huh... my head hurdz."
"Hobby-related issues are your own responsibility. Remember when your father got food poisoning from those oysters?"
"Well, yeah, we did just leave Dad holed up in the bathroom while the rest of us ate the deep-fried oysters... Ah, grab a Riot Blood along with the cold medicine."
"Drink hot water. I'll contact the school."
"Yezz, mam."
◇ The Next Day
"By my diagnosis, it's a cold."
"*Cough*... Right."
"I will have someone prepare hot water and cold medicine for you later. Incidentally... it seems you came home quite late last night. Did you finish the deed?"
"Finish the deed...? W-Wha!!? We didn't do any—*cough*! *Cough*!!"
"Oh, how disappointing... I thought I'd be able to give our relatives some good news. However, Rei, you shouldn't panic so much while bedridden."
"Sister, do you have any idea whose fault this is?"
"I'll have the school contacted. Rest for today."
"...Yes."
Author's Afterword
Rakuro starts with a fever, Rei starts with a sore throat. [*2]
Furthermore, after hearing about everything that happened at JGE from the heroine-chan with a raspy voice, Iwamaki-san opened a bottle of Daiginjo sake. Well, rather than opened it, she completely emptied it.
Translator's Notes
- [1] Grand Katarina: A double reference to Granblue Fantasy, where drawing Zeus completes the set of six "Primal Summons" (Kamiishi / Optimus Series), and Kamen Rider Zi-O, where collecting all the Ride Watches allows the protagonist to transform into Grand Zi-O.
- [2] A reference to a classic Japanese cold medicine commercial slogan: "Where does your cold start? Mine starts from the throat/nose/fever."
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