Chapter 379: The Great President, na-na-na-na... Now, let the Bakumatsu Era of Carnage begin!

◇

Previously, on Presi-Legend...

Because the secretary NPC, Rice Miso-chan, possessed the miraculous holy relic "Flag of Unification" that grants power to those who gather beneath it, she was targeted by various factions. Finding hope in the (self-proclaimed) President who saved her, Rice-chan proposed to the President that they create a new faction with Sunraku Grilled-Mackerel as its leader...!!

And so, after a two-person journey, Rice-chan and I saved a certain dying village, and using it as the foothold for our "United States," we set out once more...!

"President, the western village of Topu wishes to join our United."

"Figures. If Elgaren and Vulgante clash, no matter how you look at it, that place is going to be used as a supply route. At best, their food will be plundered; at worst, their human resources."

"How shall we respond?"

• Let us accept them, but they must be prepared to work.

• No, we will not accept them. The States does not have that kind of leeway.

• We might as well just destroy them, I don't like the look on their faces.

...Hey, hold up.

"Of course, we'll accept them, but they must be prepared to do a certain amount of work."

"Understood."

Mr. Bottom-Left-Window has been getting on my nerves lately by offering a Supreme Ruler route as the third option. I said it's a United States, so why the hell is 'annihilate other ethnicities' even a policy option.
I tried choosing it once just to see, and it was an instant Bad End. Thank god I saved.

Pulling myself together, we went with the 'Everyone Gets Along United Route'... but, well, how do I say this? Considering we started this United States with just the two of us, our current situation is far, far removed from the concept of 'National Power.'
For now, using the village of Kamura—a village that sounds like it's constantly in heat [*1]—as our base, I used the 'Speech' command, and referencing the script provided by Mr. Bottom-Left, reborn the village as the capital of the 'United States of Dinner': Kamura.

Absorbing the surrounding 'terminal marginal settlements that belong to a country but only ever see the lord when it's time to violently squeeze out excruciatingly high taxes for pocket change, with zero actual support provided,' we barely expanded the scale from a village to a town. Thinking an event was bound to happen soon, I continued my city-building today as well.

For starters, I secured a field to grow plants that could be processed into oil and a grain field, and when the officials came to collect taxes, I had them and their soldiers beaten to a pulp and taken as prisoners. Our jail guarantees three meals a day. Doing that raises Rice-chan's affection rating, after all.

I noticed recently that when the secretary NPC's affection rating is high, the refreshments brought in during office work get an upgrade. Even if it's in a game, tea is much better than water.

"Now then, what should I do next..."

Currently, the phrase 'A Rivalry of Warlords' perfectly describes the world situation. While it can't be helped since that's the premise, the fact that literally every single nation's leader has declared their goal to be 'World Domination' makes it a laughably apocalyptic setting.

And geographically, the United States of Dinner is currently threatened by three nations.

First is the Elgaren Kingdom. To put it bluntly, judging by its distance from our base, its scale, and the attitude of its soldiers, it's the tutorial nation. It's practically screaming, 'Please conquer me first.'

Next is the Vulgante Kingdom. It seems everyone and their mother is absolutely desperate to call themselves a King. Size-wise, it's the second nation, and because they apparently have a mine nearby, conquering them is unavoidable if we want to develop further.

And finally, the Arflent Holy State. It holds the 'Holy Land' position, and... what was it again? They made the Parufion Religion their state religion, making them effectively an untouchable nation.

Thinking about it in a standard, orthodox way, I should probably conquer them in order starting with Elgaren, but... I kind of have something I want to try out.
To do that, I need to fortify our base first. Since I discovered that theoretically having zero soldiers is actually fine, I can dedicate all my thoughts to domestic affairs...

"President! The guys from Elgaren are...!"

"...Good grief, they really have too much free time on their hands."

Well, fine. I'll make them rust on my United Tomahawk.

For the time being, the story and UI are decent enough, but I've discovered one truly trash element of this game.

"Ei, ei, ei."

"Gwaaaaah!?"

Alright, gauge is full.

"Presidenttt Beeaaaaaaaam!!"

A beam of light fired from my eyes swept out in a fan shape, mowing down the soldiers clad in Elgaren-style armor.

"Ei, ei, ei."

"Gyaa!?"

Alright, gauge is full.

"Preeee... sidenttt Beeaaaaaaam!!"

It was majesty visualized. Those struck by the fundamental human strength held by one who genuinely believes from the bottom of their heart that 'I am the one who will raise the flag of peace in this era of war,' realized the gap in power between themselves and the President, losing all will to fight.

"Ei, ei, ei."

"Gueeh."

Alright, gauge is... Ah, that was the last one.

"Nothing is impossible for the President."

Well, that's basically how it is. This game... to take it to the extreme, the player can win just by shooting beams out of their eyes.

I mean, logically, if you actually dropped hundreds or thousands of people onto a field and tried to give every single one of them independent AI, you'd need the brain-melting technology of ShanFro. Any game that isn't ShanFro, no matter how much passion is poured into it, unavoidably requires technological dieting.

The same goes for Presi-Legend; the military force in this game isn't processed as individual soldiers, but rather as the collective stats of a 'military unit.'

However, there is one exception to this rule... That's right, the President.

I see, it's true that if the player had the exact same performance as a random foot soldier, there'd be no exhilarating feeling. But even taking that into account, if one guy is out here playing a Musou game while the soldiers are trying to play Tactics right next to him, any attempt at balance goes completely out the window.

In short, it's much faster for the President to mow down a hundred guys in three minutes than to spend five minutes fighting a 100 vs. 100 war.

To add to that, in this game, victories and defeats are likely decided by the ratio of military strength after a certain amount of time has passed. This means that, barring event battles, you can win almost any fight just by swinging your weapon and spamming beams.

"And on top of that, the enemies' movements aren't even that good, so it really just turns into pure busywork..."

This is the kind of Trash Game that slowly grinds down your mental stamina. Should I get serious and pop an energy drink?
Or rather, if I get too used to this clunky combat, it might start hindering my performance in ShanFro... Ah, that's right.

"Excellent work, President. What shall we do with the enemy soldiers?"

"Confiscate their weapons and armor, then release them. They probably have families waiting for them."

"Understood."

Answering Rice-chan—who asked what to do with the soldiers that somehow didn't die from the President Power, basically acting as the post-battle result screen—I headed toward the chair in my office... the save point.

"I've got a thrilling battlefield right here...!"

I close my eyes, and log out...!

Logging in, I opened my eyes on top of a futon. In this game, when you log in, light leaks through the gaps in the sliding doors, so there are probably already idiots gathered in front of the door aiming for a spawn kill.

"...If it were an amateur, they'd be around here... but if it's a professional spawn killer... probably here."

How do I know this in such detail? You fools, the spawn-kill divine punishment was a score-farming method I invented during the winter event.

"Right there!!"

"Guh!? Wh-Why!"

"You idiot, two days into the event, all the casual spawn killers have already been wiped out. Meaning, if I aim for the spots where guys used to spawn-kill divine punishments stand, it ends up exactly like this."

"Dual-wielding event-exclusive weapons, a Hannya mask... Don't tell me, 'Matsuribayashi' (Festival Music)...!?"

"Eh, I finally got my own nickname too?"

"Tch, guess I drew the short straw..."

The ones aiming from behind the sliding doors are third-rate spawn killers; first-rates stand directly in front of the door and aim for the opponent's recovery frames.
Well, since performing a spawn-kill-kill divine punishment requires a bit of a trick, the fastest method is just to kick the sliding door down.

Looking down at the player wearing a Shinsengumi haori who was pinned under the sliding door I just stomped down, I confirmed there were no reinforcements to my left or right.

"Give me some intel and I'll let you go."

"R-Really...!"

"But if it's just some cheap info, I'll have you commit seppuku."

"Pawnshop negotiations, huh... Fine, I didn't survive two days for nothing."

I managed to pry a lot of information out of him, so I let him go, but the moment he stepped outside the barracks, his head was split open by a Skull-Cleaver strike dropping from above, and he vanished. May he rest in peace.

Namu Amida Butsu.

Author's Afterword
Presidentttt Beeeaaaaaaam!!!!
It neutralizes the fighting spirit of the target hit by the overwhelming majesty of the President. What is a President? A President is a President.

Translator's Note

• [1] Kamura Village: village is pronounced mura (むら), and mura-mura is slang for being aroused. Also a Monster Hunter Rise reference.