Chapter 191: Salmon Head Advice

Originally, we were planning to head straight for the subjugation of the "Barnacle," but since we triggered an unexpected event flag, we hurriedly changed our plans and returned to the vacant house we were using as a base... specifically, the relatively large house where me, Araba, Emul, and Stude were crammed into.

"Mold... you idiot... you complete idiot...!"

"I said I was sorry!"

"Wow, amazing. There are three Kaisen-Ohs out there. Do you think they'll ultimately combine into Ultima Kaisen-Oh?"

"Kaisen-Oh?"

The whole thing started when Mold lost his footing, slid down to the ground, and got spotted by a Fishman. But I guess he pulled a terrible RNG roll because more and more Fishmen just kept gathering... By the time I found Emul, a monster parade of Fishmen rivaling a full army had formed, dragging along an entire legion that even included three rare enemies.

"Yeah, I really don't want to bring this back to base..."

"I-I'm sorry... ow, ow, ow."

"Idiot, idiot."

Right... well, the place we're heading to right now happens to be my respawn point, so... If I just die somewhere convenient, it'll work out.

"Alright, I'm going to go dump those guys somewhere far away."

"Huh?"

"I'll just die in some remote spot and Return by Death, so you guys go on ahead."

"I see. Understood."

"No really, I'm so sorry for the trouble..."

"It's fine, it's fine."

Looking purely at the situation, I'm acting exactly like a character who stays behind alone to stall the enemy so his allies can advance. Well, considering I actually am going to Return by Death, that's exactly what I'm doing.

"It's too much of a pain to waste weapon durability, so bare-handed brawling is fine, right? Bring it on, you discount rotten fishballs! Follow me!!"

The Great Ruluiath Marathon is on, leave the lead runner position to me!

However, my grand plan to just run an entire lap around the outer edge of Ruluiath was completely and utterly demolished by that suddenly looming around the corner.

"Y-You're...!?"

That figure... that face.

An impulse practically bordering on absolute certainty swirls in my chest as I reflexively ready my weapon and close the distance with the entity that just noticed me.
That in front of me, a massive school of fish behind me. Even if I commit the folly of putting myself in a pincer attack, I cannot allow myself to retreat from this.

I absolutely have to defeat this thing, no matter what sacrifices I have to make.
Sorry, Rust and Mold, it looks like I'm going to be a little late meeting up with you... Ah, the way I phrased that just now sounded super trope-y! Actually, isn't that a line you say right as you're about to snap a death flag...? Well, whatever.

"Uoooooooooo!!"

A man has battles he just can't run away from!!

"...You're late."

"Did you run into some kind of trouble... Ah, you're back... !!?"

Because those rotten fishballs subjected me to a Dangerous Toss (the state where you get launched into the air while they're fighting over who gets to eat you), my death got delayed... Getting grabbed by a massive amount of hands is a pretty rare experience, but I'd rather not do it a second time.

"What on earth happ... Uooaah!?"

"S-Sunraku-san..."

Hey, hey, Araba, don't draw your sword. Emul, stay. Stay.
Good grief, isn't it a bit cruel to have that kind of reaction just from looking at someone's face? Well, I'm doing this completely on purpose, but what should my first line be?

"........."

I sit up stiffly from the bed I respawned on, firmly plant my two feet on the ground, and stand up.
In response, everyone around me takes a step back. Confirming this, I take a deep breath... Ah, it smells like raw fish.

"I am the fairy of Fatty Tuna."

"Baffo!!"

"Nkufu!"

I declared this exactly like that. Wearing a Salmon head.

〜Please wait a moment while the confusion subsides〜

"It's a salmon... it's clearly a salmon... it has nothing to do with tuna... nfu, nfufufufu..."

"Rust, Mold broke."

"Mold's boiling point for laughter is really low, so he'll probably be cracking up remembering this for the next three days."

That's way too low of a boiling point, what is he, helium...? Well, I'm the one who caused it, though.

"What is that?"

"This? It's an item called 'Richman King Salmon's Head Mask'. It registers as an item but you can actually equip it... Well, it's basically a joke equip."

"What are its effects?"

"It smells like raw fish."

"Pfft...! Pfft...!"

Ignoring Mold who's currently slapping the floor and convulsing, I check out everyone else's reactions.

"Come here, Emul. I'll put you on my head."

"N-No way desu wa! It smells raw and those dorsal fins look like they'd stab me desu wa! And those dead eyes are incredibly scary desu wa!!"

"The fact that your vision still works properly through it makes the mechanics behind it a complete mystery, doesn't it."

How exactly is light traveling inside this salmon head? Well, it's a game, so it's probably best to ignore that part. Also, it smells like raw fish.

"I honestly thought you had turned into one of them... You were occasionally doing movements just like them, after all."

"How rude, I was just bending my arms right to the absolute limit of their joint rotation range."

Since I have biological instincts, I'm naturally opposed to excessive self-harm, but bending my arms in slightly concerning directions is completely viable to incorporate into my battle style. It's surprisingly convenient.

"Where's the Shitty Brat?"

"We haven't shown him that yet. We were waiting for you to get back."

That's a relief. Which means he's still under the bed. Heh... hoho... hmmm... fuhihi.

"Vaaaoooeeaaaaaaaah!!"

"Gyaaaaaaaaaaaah!!?!?"

"I'll drag you all the way down to the world of the deaaaadddd!!"

"Noooooo!! I don't want to!! Hiiiiiieeeee!!"

A party trick combining the know-how gained from clearing countless zombie games, with the deep bass voice of a man known as the "Magician of Death Steel" in a certain other game: "Impression of the vicious monster that shows up near the end of a zombie panic game."
Stude falls into an absolute frenzy at the sight of a salmon peeking under his bed while screaming. His body thrashes wildly as he tries to escape as fast as possible, resulting in him slamming his head hard against something, and with a sudden thud, all the strength leaves his body and he stops moving.

"Oh crap... wait no, he hasn't exploded into polygons so he's not dead, he's not dead..."

"He took critical damage to his heart desu wa!"

It's fine, humans are surprisingly mentally tough creatures. As long as the misfortune doesn't chain combo, they usually bounce back...

• Father kidnapped by Fishmen, whereabouts unknown, probably dead.

• Wandered into a monster's den due to his own reckless actions.

• A salmon head peeks in, offering to turn him into a seafood parent-and-child rice bowl.

"Whew... That's a triple combo right there."

"His final moments, huh..."

No wait, Rust, he's not dead, he's not dead. Stude can still hold on, right? Right?

After receiving the helpful golden words (threat), "Given the time, place, and occasion, you can't complain even if I friendly-fire you," I reluctantly switch my equipment back to the original bird head.
I did test it out to see if it had a hidden effect like erasing the aggro from the rotten fishballs, but I just got hoisted up into the air and killed normally, so I knew it didn't have any use beyond being a joke anyway.

Still, the salmon head technically has higher defense... A whopping twenty times higher than the bird mask. Now, if you asked me whether twenty sheets of tissue paper could block a dragon's breath, I'd just laugh and tell you that's not the point.

"Mold, seriously, snap back to reality."

"I-I'm fine... fufu."

"You really crack up easily, huh..."

I'm currently isolated in the corner of the room under the reasoning that waking up to either a salmon or a shoebill right in your face is equally terrifying.
Feeling sad, I bob my head left and right like a metronome with Emul sitting on top, while Rust and Mold wake Stude up and show him the item.

"Wake up... Wake up, shitty brat."

"U-Uhh... The deep bass fish is..."

"........."

"Fugyu!?"

She literally just face-chopped him right down the centerline.
Still, whether that served as a proper wake-up call or not, Stude opens his eyes.

"U-Ugh... Where am I..."

"Stop sleep-talking and look at this."

"...? It's just a normal cutlass... Wait, this is!!"

So it was an event flag after all. His eyes wide, his lips trembling, Stude practically devours the cutlass with his gaze—specifically the red whale emblem carved into its hilt.

"T-This, this! Wh-Where did you!!"

"Shut up."

Isn't that going way past a salty reaction and straight into a Tabasco-level reaction? You literally just handed him a clue about his dad and then told him to shut up.

"A really... um, a really strong monster around here had it."

"Th-Then... Papa is..."

"Still whining..."

I see what's going on here. These guys completely suck at role-playing, don't they?
No, I get it. I totally get it. I understand the feeling of "why is this kid whining so much?" Hell, if there weren't troublesome penalties or game-over conditions, I probably would have kicked that trash fairy into a goblin's nest completely unarmed.

Role-playing is something you're either suited for or you aren't. There are people in this world who can naturally say fitting lines without breaking a sweat, but most of the time you have to act out a character who says the words the NPC needs to hear.

In this situation, we are players viewing the story objectively from a bird's-eye view, but at the same time, we're characters within the story itself. That's exactly why you need to fire them up in moments like this.

"Can't be helped, leave it to me."

I don't know how the event will progress from here, but at the very least, hugging the cutlass and crying doesn't seem like the correct way to advance it.

"Boy, are you really satisfied with this?"

"Huh?"

Behold, the NPC psychological manipulation techniques instilled into me by a fiendish pencil.

Author's Afterword
Salmon Head: "I'll drag you all the way down to the depths of hell (Deep Bass)"
Bird Head: "Show some passion!"

There's apparently a novel where these two are the exact same person, and he's even the protagonist. The world is a scary place.